I still remember the feeling like it was yesterday. It stung so bad, I had to stop the car. I couldn’t breathe and even though the windows were open there was no air. Oh God, this hurt so much!
I gave my heart away and like the others, before him, he chose to break it. This time I was devastated. I knew I didn’t do or say anything that could have forced him to break up with me. But here I was again – alone.
At this point I wasn’t even upset about the one guy, or the relationship. It was the fact that I kept losing the one thing I kept looking for – Love. I felt like I was stuck in an emotional time machine that kept me from getting to the next level. What am I doing wrong?
Truth is I haven’t figured it out yet. And for a while, I gave up on Love. Thinking that, if I could save myself from falling in Love, I could prevent having to fall out of Love. I mean, how could I remain hopeful, when I just didn’t understand?
But now it dawned on me. Love is a feeling, it can’t be understood, it has to be experienced. And like any feeling, it will be caused by something out of my control.
So, I decided I will no longer hide from my fear of being broken. I will no longer be afraid of rejection. I will no longer avoid loving someone with all my heart. Instead, I will get rid of my expectations of what Love has to feel like and my worries about the outcome.
I’m sure that there will be a lot more heartbreak that I have to overcome, frustration that I have to deal with and uncertainty that I have to accept. But if I can persevere through all that, I will be more aware of the beauty of the feeling.
Will it be frightening and exhausting? I bet. Will it be worth it? I hope. But will I make it to the next level? I’m sure.